Hello again friends. Winter is upon us in full force and myself and my friends seem to have a hard time dealing with the overwhelming grief and sadness as we transition into a scary administration in the US. Finding the balance of being informed but staying rested, contributing to community and filling our individual cups, and staying loving while maintaining a motivating anger at the state of things is kind of becoming a cyclical routine of doom vs. joy. I do truly and wholly believe that love and community will get us through the next four years, but my heart is heavy for everyone losing their rights and personal freedoms we were supposedly granted living here. Being a femme who has experienced multiple occasions of SA and grooming in my lifetime, it is so hurtful to see a predator, rapist, racist orange fuck head lead our country just speaks to the societal fact that well, as a whole we don’t respect women. A lesson I’ve learned in my own community frustratingly; the fact that people aren’t willing to listen to victims and brush them off as just hurt feelings is kind of wild, especially when you give direct evidence of an abuser’s wrong doings. But this just helps me weed out with whom to associate with, “when they show you their true colors, believe them” -Oprah or someone.
I spent the holidays visiting friends in Kansas City and Nashville, meeting their toddlers and families and lending an ear to a friend grieving an abusive relationship that ended a few months prior. I hate to see when a person takes the spark away from another in a relationship, treating them so unkindly they start to believe they deserve it or leaving the abused partner so wholly convinced that the abuse and manipulation happening is normal it takes them years to get back to themselves. Years to unlearn the bitterness that comes with leaving an abuser and cheater. Years to soften the heart back, as it hardens like a shell with defensiveness and projectivity. But perhaps that’s not a bad thing, maybe it’s good for a someone who has been in a volatile situation to take as much time as possible protecting their tender heart and coming back to themselves in no hurry or rush.
Driving alone for 10 hours a day was a lot easier than I though it would be initially. Podcasts helped the most, as well as a giant big gulps full of Cherry coke. I’m not really a soda person but those really got me through the thick of long haul days. I feel ready to do this big month long tour with the Black Widows in March now. And I came back home to start second shooting at work, as opposed to the photo assisting I’ve been doing steadily for almost 9 years. More money, more responsibility. Gotta make sure I don’t fuck this up for myself. They say things come to you when you’re ready, and I have to say I probably wasn’t ready even a year ago, so it feels really awesome to finally be in a spot where I’m confident and and doing the damn thing. Getting what you’ve worked hard for looks a lot differently than it did in your mind. It certainly doesn’t just fix all my problems, but there is a sense of ease that has satiated my yearning for more. It feels like all these things are coming to me but the world is burning down at the same time. And I’m trying to sit in my appreciation for the good and enjoy it and be present and also mourn the planet that is crying for help. But as they are saying, multiple things really can be true at once. And that little phrase acts as a bandaid for these times.
xoxo-
madalyn
