Is my nervous system regulated yet? Can someone truly explain what that even means or if its possible? I can self diagnose my CPTSD through Instagram therapy Reels because I can’t afford health insurance for therapy, and learn to be present, hike for hours, ruminate less and breathe more. But it really seems to be time, taking time, to slowly heal those wounds. I am writing this months after dealing with another traumatic event in my life, but it doesn’t make it any easier to write.
I am in mourning. Mourning a person who isn’t actually dead but the person they once were is, the person I loved for 20 years. I feel like it’s easier to grieve someone who has died because you know they are actually gone. But to grieve an addict who you had to cut ties with for your own mental health, a best friend, and brilliant, talented adventurous soul who pushed you out of your comfort zone to better yourself for years, was always always there for you and everyone they loved; there’s really no words to describe the feeling.
They pushed away everyone who truly loved them for an abusive boyfriend and amphetamines. Pushed you out of the home you shared with them the week of Christmas, which is a few weeks after the day you lost your fiancé years before, so you already hate that time of year. I watched someone go from being a normal amount of neurotic to completely delusional, paranoid and irrational, and blaming me for their choices. This was the second time I lived with an addict who (tried) to hid it for months, and while I understand it’s a disease and some people are more prone, it was ultimately her choice to start using the first time when her boyfriend offered it to her. I don’t mean to sound un-empathetic, but we have to find a middle ground between understanding their choices and enabling them. I believe my friend kicked me out because she knew I didn’t deserve to watch another person I love deteriorate. I still love her very much but I have to live life as if she’s gone. And I hate that. I hate that I have to feel the guilt of “should I tell her family?”. I hate that her POS rich boyfriend introduced her to amphetamines, and I hate that his parents enable his addiction by paying his mortgage and car payments, I hate that she knows better, but stays anyway. I hate that this same man has done this to countless other women and will continue to until the day he dies or actually commits to being sober. Kind of wild how one person’s choices completely affects an entire community of people, even those they may not have ever met. So good bye for now old friend. I love you so much still. I hope hope hope you can get yourself out of this. I know you can. I’ll be waiting for you when you do. I’ll keep living with the space you left unfilled, I’ll think of you everyday; honestly at first it was with anger but now it is with love.
